The Fairy Tale of Kallangur – the land that once was and what will become of Murrumba?

Within an hour it was on like Donkey Kong! Dumping Rick Williams (former Labor MP for Pumicestone) was probably the best thing Labor could have done for everyone. He’s been a pain in the proverbial for long enough and refused to heed warnings. He had to go. His disendorsement also triggered the election and within an hour the speculation was over, those in the know knew the date before the Governor was even out of bed.

Now we have it officially called for November 25th and not a minute too soon. Even though it’s only just been called, here in my hometown electorate of Kallangur campaigning for the state election started back in February. Yes, that’s right we’ve had to endure roadside signs and waving, and candidates invading our beloved uncensored Facebook pages making promises of great things while we were still busy trolling the existing government as they diligently tried to do their job (not really, but it is well known that even if I vote for you I’m going to hold you to account if you’re in office).

Poor Kallangur is just about over this very looooong running election campaign and all it’s woes and sagas. Kallangur just wants.. wait (whispers from the stage wings)… it isn’t Kallangur anymore? It’s Murrumba? WTF? Yes folks that’s right, population growth has meant the electorate boundaries had to be changed. So now Murrumba Downs is in Murrumba finally but Kallangur is not longer in Kallangur. Instead now Kallangur is in Murrumba but the MP for Kallangur will go to Kurwongbah. Confused? You should hear me try to explain how Petrie isn’t in Petrie.

So long live the King of Kallangur, Shane King, the loyal and devoted MP of barely three years. He has been overthrown and had to seek asylum in Kurwongbah. They’ll do well to have him, he seems to have achieved the unachievable in what was Kallangur but will soon be Murrumba.

Who will take over the throne? Well that’s for the election to decide. Enter the candidates for Murrumba and well, there’s not much new.

Former MP of Murrumba, Candidate for the LNP Reg Gulley, lost his seat to Labor MP Chris Whiting. Chris won’t be running in Murrumba however. His current office will no longer be in the electorate with the boundary changes so he will challenge for the brand spanking new seat of Bancroft.

The Kallangur side of the new Murrumba electorate may not be too familiar with Mr Gulley but they don’t seem to have much love so far. The memory of his former predecessor Big Trev famous for replacing stairs with stairs at Dakabin station and calling it an upgrade is still a bit sour for some. Of course Reg is well known for…. Ummm.. well there was that time he was very supportive for Redcliffe when fellow former LNP member disgraced the party, the electorate, the government, politics and of course himself. Yes who can forget little born and bred Redcliffian Scotty Driscoll! Yes, Reg was kind enough to step in when Scott stepped out but not down. Speaking of Scotts…. Reg was fabulous in getting the then Minister for Transport, Scott Emerson to take up a cause that Reg holds dear in his heart. The fight of people with disabilities in the arena of disability parking.

When you try to raise an issue of great importance nothing is more heartwarming for the cause than knowing the people you’re seeking support from, the people with the power and control to change things for the better, have a relative, friend, close associate with a disability so they KNOW exactly how you feel. You, the person with the disability. They know how you feel. Never forget that. You would wonder if they know your feeling so well then why are you sitting here in front of them asking them to make changes so you don’t have to feel this way anymore, since they could have just changed it… but hey at least they’re listening right?

Oh they were listening alright. I spent months and my own money making RTI applications, gathering data, putting the data into usable formats and analysing said data to show hey, there’s a problem here and the solution is right in front of you. I mean yeah, police CAN give fines for parking in a disability park without a permit but seriously.. $44… why would they waste their time? If it’s all about revenue raising make it worth their while. They’re the only ones who can issue fines in off street car parks but on street they were competing with council who were giving out fines across Queensland from $150 to $250 for the same offence. What was wrong with this picture?

Lord golly gosh bless Reg and his soft heart for the disabled he went and showed Good King Wences-Scott the report we the common serfs worked so hard on and convinced him that hey, if we did what was recommended we’d not only look good but we’d make more money out of those low life disabled parking thieves. In the world of revenue raising you see, prevention is NOT better than cure so thus, the knight in shining armour of the disabled dubbed thee parking fine increase almost 5 times the amount it was. That will do the trick yeah?

The meeja of course went papparazzi over Scott the Slayer of disabled parking cheats and wanted to take his photo everywhere. The poor serf who had raised the issue didn’t even know it was happening until there it was on the evening news which was quickly followed up but a congratulatory call from the swift footed messenger Reg Gulley. “This is a good thing. Consider it a win” he consoled the poor serf as she blinked in a daze wondering what just happened. Win? Yeah ok. Why is that man on the TV reading out my report word for word? Did I miss the invite to the press conference?

Maybe it was cos he didn’t know anyone else to invite or maybe it was guilt for robbing me blind of my moment to shine in the sun, never the less I got myself invited as a representative of Murrumba (when I lived in the old Murrumba not the new) at the Queensland Plan. You remember the great Qld Plan of Campbell Newman? The one we all got to have our input in and was to be made a part of legislation but has never been referenced again since? I actually really enjoyed being part of it. Some great ideas came out of it and I got to meet so many people. So when the opportunity arose for photos I stood there like a good girl and didn’t poke my tongue out when we posed for a photo with the great Mr Newman himself (waiting for the next episode of Channel Nine’s Where are they now to feature former one term politicians which he will be at number one). I was well behaved and posed for all the photos which still haunt me to this day. So I figured hey, lets use this opportunity, Reg can we get a photo with good Mr Emerson so I can post it on the website and get all the serfs to thank him for saving our accessible spaces for us? What a great idea! Of course it is, it was my idea.

What happened next for quite some time was all a bit of a blur. It was like this whirlwind. Reg excuses himself for a moment cos he really needs to speak to this person before they leave and within seconds I’m whisked aside by none other than the Minister for Disabilities who hugs me… the Ice queen hugged me and I lose sight of my targets cos now somehow my back is turned to them. While she’s trying to keep me engaged in conversation and I’m adamant that I really just need to get this photo before we leave, Reg reappears and he’s really sorry but the great Knight had to rush off to save another group in distress.

It was some months later when I was looking back for information as I continued to work on the same project for some time, that I stumbled across newspaper articles applauding the great Knight’s attack and I read my report again word for word. I scoured the documents for any mention of the author or where it had originated from but there was no mention at all. It had completely sounded like the good Knight did it all himself. It was at that point it happened. In slow motion. Like a movie. Going back through the film scene after scene… that hug… that unsolicited hug and futile conversation was nothing more than a distraction to let the good Knight Emerson slip away unadulterated by photos with the common serf.

Since I couldn’t get a photo, eventually I made my own.

But that my friends was so long ago. Reg well, for all his good doing and supporting of his neighbouring electorates he didn’t win the next election. It was some consolation that the good Knight got a big good night on his minsterial position and went back to being demon in the shadows of the opposition. I forgave the messenger Reg for not speaking up in my defence. It’s gotta be tough when you’re and underling in the afterworld and your boss is a powerful god and the bloke you just let misuse you serf is a demi god. I thought well, one day, when he’s not trapped in the underworld anymore he may give me that apology I so rightly deserved.

Nup. That never happened. I did run into him once or twice at events in his limbo period. He remembered that I had two lovely boys and asked after them. Then the conversation would get stale and I would just sigh and be on my way.

No, I never got that apology for letting Scott Emerson and co try to make a fool of me, treat me like I was too stupid to know any better and walk off basking in the glory of being the saviour of the disabled spaces. No only did he know it was happening, he let it happen and tried to disguise it to me as being otherwise.

Now they want my support again? Fool me once shame on you…. Fool me twice… no that’s not going to happen.

So what does that leave me with in the new land of Murrumba?

We have the career candidate of the Greens, Jason Kennedy. How many elections is that now? Three, four? What are his policies? To change the world of course. And heal it. And make it a better place…. for you and for me and the entire human race there are people dying if you care enough for the living…. oops got carried away there with a bit of MJ saving the world with his music. Yeah our favourite bridesmaid never a bride is still hating on everyone for everything but once can’t help but wonder just how Green he is when he says more jobs here for Australians while he’s importing goods from overseas. Apparently the jobs are in selling the goods, not making them. Where we get the money to buy the goods he’s selling hasn’t really been answered but it seems to lie somewhere between giving people houses for life and saving the Koalas.

Now if you’re anyone else that is not Jason Kennedy or a Green then you’re not allowed to build houses cos you’ll make the Koalas cry. Maybe these houses that we’re all going to have forever and ever will be tree houses? Make mine a caravan. We all know this Pine River loving gypsy cannot stay in the one place for very long. And tree houses aren’t exactly the most accessible living anyway.

The million dollar question is though, why has Jason Kennedy never run as a candidate in the electorate or division he lives in? Makes you wonder how many Koalas had to die for his big house on his big property.

Speaking of not living in the electorate you plan to represent we have the replacement King sent in to defend the land of Murrumba since Kallangur was invaded, is none other than the presiding Minister for the Environment, Heritage and other stuff, Steven Miles. While a new electorate was created here on the north side of the kingdom the electorate of the great doctor of political science was dissolved. So being a north side boy he decided to move back to his roots and defend the land that was Kallangur. Prepared to stick around if he wins the battle he’s enrolled his kids in school and living back in the land of his people. Before you wage a war though, it’s wise to know your enemy. Seems Reg’s campaign people didn’t do their research even though the good messenger himself knew the details and the poor Honourable doctor has been labelled a blow in who doesn’t live here. Wrong candidate Mr Gulley, that would be Mr Kennedy.

None the less he’s out there trying to win the hearts of the Kallangarians and Murrumbans alike with his school boy charm, dashing good looks and knowledge that would challenge the great and powerful Oz. Will it be enough to get him over the line? Not if he doesn’t figure out how to include the common serfs. It took several satirical but suggestive emails for them to figure out ohhhh.. we need to be accessible but not as in available, as in a place with no stairs for the serfs to meet with us. They got the place part figured out… can they get the location right? Disability accessible is great but not when you have to hike 257m through roadworks to get there when you’re mobility challenged. I figure they got enough of my I’m disabled and I vote emails to get the message when the Honourable doctor turned up at a meeting of people with disabilities. Now THAT was making sure we had his attention.

There’s not much more to tell about the battle of the long lost land of Kallangur other than some guy who wants to know what we think a lot. It’s one thing to use social media to reach people, but for those who are familiar with the infamous Facebook community page, Kallangur Watch Fully Uncensored, it’s risky business asking any serious, legitimate questions in that forum. Of course when you’re representing One Nation, with a name like Scott Dare and your slogan is Dare for change, it’s probably right up your alley. Whether it’s boredom or he’s just not sure what he’s doing it’s hard to tell but he’s certainly not afraid to risk people telling him what they think. After all he does ask the same question over and over… What does Kallangur need? Which isn’t helping much to help Kallangur identify with being Murrumba now nor does it give the people much confidence that the person who has put up their hand to be a representative of the serfs AND the demi gods has any idea what they actually need to do to make the daring changes they claim they’re going to make.

It’s interesting times here in no man’s land that’s for sure and while the Kallangur electorate may from here on in be known as Murrumba, nothing will change the once bustling town of Kallangur fighting to get back what was rightfully theirs. Linking them in the electorate with North Lakes has more than ever shown there is no love lost between the two towns divided by more than just a highway. If you listen closely you’ll hear the downtrodden serfs calling out WE WANT OUR LIBRARY BACK WE WANT OUR LIBRARY BACK. Could this election be just what they need to make that happen?

Meanwhile out there in the rest of the realm of politics there’s quite a story behind how and why Rick actually got the flick in the end. Irony is it all started back at the last council election when a cranky old man who grew tired of being the miserable bar tender to the lords and the demi gods, decided enough was enough, he was fed up with being the listener and wanted to be the talker. So the poor publican Eric decided to appoint himself as a lord and go masquerading in the policital realm as someone important.

Lord Eric of Meldale menaced the townsfolk and candidates and anyone who didn’t see the truth as he tells it. Especially after a few glasses of red. Once the council elections were over and things didn’t go the way Lord Eric wanted, he decided he wasn’t settled enough with being a lord. He wanted to be a demi god too. However demi gods have to do a little bit of work and it’s not something Lord Eric is very accustomed to under the conditions required… ie sobriety.

Lord Eric thus knighted himself and jumped on his horse vowing he’d be the demi god of the land of Moreton Bay in 2020. Long way off of course and we all know how much can change in the political landscape over that time. Not wanting to wane and become unnoticed while the serfs were busy building and growing the empire until the next election, he had a wonderful idea to maintain attention by turning to the state election. He really had it in for the Rick he wanted to flick so badly that he made it his life’s work to ensure that he irritated him enough to put him in a position where knight Sir Eric could record Rick doing something terrible! He put a legal notice in his letterbox! I know! All the serfs in the land were equally as horrified as Sir Eric as they watched the 6 o’clock news seeing the story unfold. How dare that man put mail in a mail box they shouted! Eric gained so much support… wait, no… that’s the fantasy that Eric the publican want to be King of all the lands played out in his mind.

What really happened was the serfs, quite fed up with Eric’s antics and hollow shouty promises in his drunken tirades, some of them decided to stand up to him and treat him the same way he treated all the people in elections gone by. Poor Eric wasn’t built to handle that. Especially sober. But in true egotist style he did not fall on his self made sword. He pushed his wife onto it and attempted to play the knight in shining armour saving her from the angry lynch mobs.

Truth… the real truth, and it seems Eric never really could handle it, is that so very few people even knew Sir Eric existed he was never really a thing in the political realm. I mean he’s hardly the next Barack Obama and he doesn’t even cut a shade to our much beloved old Sir Joh B. So with his curly tail between his legs Eric set his horse free, pulled up the drawbridge across the moat to the Castle Meldale and no one ever saw him again.

Rumour has it though that he’s shut up shop completely, no bars open to the public and now he spends his life being the troll under the bridge. Some believe he’s merely laying in waiting for the hype to fade from this election and jump out the moment the billy goats appear to campaign for Moreton 2020. What a time to be alive!

Check out these fellas… who would you vote for?

Jason Kennedy for the Greens
Scott Dare for One Nation
Reg Gulley (right) for LNP with his former party leader Campbell Newman
Steven Miles for Labor (picture with local Gemma Gale of the Dakabin Station Action Group)

One person you won’t have to worry about voting for
Lord Eric the former publican

Stay classy Murrumba Kallangur